Celebrity Fashion Disasters

Worse than Bad…It’s a Disaster!

Shannen Doherty

What’s wrong with this picture — besides Shannen Doherty’s face, I mean?  She has got to be embarrassed here: to be standing beside a glamorous, airbrushed picture that makes her look far more attractive than she actually is, wearing something so unflattering that she should have added a brown paper bag to wear over her head to complete the ensemble.

 Anne Hathaway 

Oh, for frig’s sake.  I am so sick of.  I am tired of her face, her voice, her (lack of) acting abilities, and I am especially tired of the hot mess that has to reside in her closet.

Does she not realize how ridiculous she’s been looking on the red carpet?  And what the funk is this dress?  I cannot get over the color design.  Seriously?  It keeps drawing me in, hypnotizing me with how god awfully horrible it is.

Lily Allen. 

That is Lily Allen.  And that is Lily Allen’s dress.  They need to be introduced separately because, clearly, that dress is an entity all on its own. …unfortunately.

I have to be honest with you, I know who Lily Allen is?  And yet I have no clue who she actually is or what she does – besides making my job just a little bit easier.  There are so many things wrong with this thing that the term “celebrity fashion disaster” isn’t even good enough.  This is a celebrity fashion debacle.  So let’s dissect, shall we?

I have to be honest — I’m not the biggest Harry Potter fan.  I haven’t really read the books, I pay minimal attention to the movies, and it kind of irks me that I still know Emma Watson play Hermione (however, I cannot pronounce it intelligibly; I usually end up calling her Herm-i-own and I do not care).

Emma Watson 

Emma Watson is all grown up!  Or so she would like us to believe, apparently, because it looks like she’s trying to channel Lindsay Lohan here … and she needs to stop it, right now.

Vanessa Hudgens 

I want all of you little fashionistas out here to know that I am risking the wrath of my beloved, High School Musical loving fiance to mock the way Vanessa Hudgens dresses — just for you.  Seriously, my girl thinks this chick is the cutest thing since sliced bread.  To which I have to say, “But darling, have you seen the way she dresses on the red carpet?  Do you realize that the Red Carpet is not like the prom?”  Indeed, does Vanessa realize this?  I get the feeling she was going for an Audrey Hepburn kind of look but then decided that sticking a bunch of fake silk flowers all over her chest would make her look “edgy.”  What do you want to bet little Zac Efron was trying to take a sniff the whole night?

Kirsten Dunst

I … hate Kirsten Dunst.  Have I told you guys that?  I hope so, but even if I haven’t, it bears repeating, because I really hate her.  I don’t like her voice, I don’t like her acting, and oh my god but do I ever despise her weird little snarky kitten face.

However, all of this makes me a little more sympathetic to her notoriously horrible fashion sense.  See, if you had a face like that, would you really bother to dress it up with anything?  Honestly.  She could wear the latest designs — I mean, the latest decent looking designs — and she’d still have a face like a trainwreck.  This current disaster, though, she’s outdone herself.  You fail at life, Kirsten.  Instead of diverting attention from your abnormal face with that big, Victorian, ruffled bib, you’re just making sure that people keep staring at you to see why exactly your features are so oddly asymmetrical.

Dita Von Teese 

I generally like Dita Von Teese — generally.  Her whole retro thing is cute, and you only have to look at someone like Katy Perry to see that it’s also inspiring.  But Bettie Page, grandmother of us all, would not agree with this.  I see the point — bright red shoes, sunny yellow dress, altogether gay look (i.e., gay as it was used way back when this look was the new thing).  But … no.  It’s too shiny, it does not look retro — it looks like something Judy Jetson might have worn on a Very Special Prom episode, and that just ain’t cool.  The sad thing is that Dita’s working it well — the turn of her angle, the slant of her shoulders.  But really, she would have been better off if she just went totally burlesque and let that dress at home.